I’ve recently had quite a few self confidence crises (I really would love if the plural of crisis was crisi. Like octopi. Although, technically, the archaic plural should really be octopodes)
I flick between being overly excited about entering a world of creativity with the potential London offers and being overwhelmed by doubts.
I was recently told that I didn’t know enough designers and London “art talk” so have started reading many glossy magazines hoping to learn.
What I’m learning though is how awful it is to compare yourself to other people. After days of staring at models I spent a long time staring at myself in the mirror. I completely flipped out over having nothing to wear to fashion events. I tried on most of my wardrobe’s contents and ended up on the floor glaring at my thighs.
I wish my body were…
I want someone else’s…
I’ve finally put on denim shorts, a white linen shirt and have gone off wandering around Healesville’s Badger Weir. It’s hot and I’ve sweated my way through the ferns to a quiet spot on the creek. I finally feel normal and content again.
I’m reminded of someone saying that you don’t have a body. I mean, who has a body? As if it is something to be obtained? Nobody has a body, unless they are a strange serial killer keeping one in a closet or something. You are a body. Your mind and body aren’t separate entities working independently of one another. If I stopped eating and started exercising incessantly then that is just as much a mental as a physical change.
So I’ve given up on the magazines.
I don’t actually care what other designers are doing.
I don’t want to create what they’re creating and I don’t want to be a model.
So I’m going back to my art books, my nature walks and my daggy music.
I may not fit in, but who really wants to?
The top painting is Brett Whiteley (who I adore)’s Port Douglas 1992. The middle one is Fred Williams’s Springbrook. I love his landscapes. The painting immediately above is one by Mathew Simmons who I saw work of years ago and have since developed what may be a serious crush. They have similar styles in the way they abstract the Australian landscape. I hope Simmons becomes as well known as Williams (and I really hope to buy one of his huge landscapes before he does)