I recently went through a friendship break up.
It was a strange case of a relationship wobbling into a friendship that then stumbled and crashed.
It wasn’t until I had gotten up and brushed myself off (and stopped bawling over skype to my family) that the waves of relief set in.
Last week I sat down for a catch up drink with my auntie Les, told her the whole story and she said something that threw me slightly.
She asked whether I had been on drugs during the time that I was in the relationship (with the one who shall remain as Mr Disappointment).
I laughed as we had been so domestic, most of the time spent visiting various friends and their new babies and having breakfasts, I don’t think we even went to one party. Whilst rearranging the living room one day we did happened upon an old bag of powder, but that got promptly flushed down the toilet so her question seemed strange.
She said that I was different now. That, before, my speech was slower and I hadn’t seemed very together. I was more direct, focused, my speech was quicker now.
I then thought of a conversation that I had had with one of Mr D’s closest friends
She had simply said of him, “Be careful of such powerful personalities.”
At the time it hadn’t meant much and it just seemed like something that would be said after a late night pot of Earl Grey in the kitchen.
Retrospect bring enlightenment.
Reading Jada Pinkett-Smith’s Facebook post (below) I wondered further about myself in the relationship.
The relief and freedom that I feel without the friendship is a direct mirror of the repression that I felt within it. And this was no fault of Mr D.
Friendships and relationships are two whole people together and no one person can be at fault. At the time I felt gloriously happy and the wobbly friendship was a learning curve where I realised I had tried to fit a mould and contort myself into what I thought would be best for another. I became so worried about making someone else happy and wondering what someone else thought of me that I lost all sense of myself. And the more I worried about being uninteresting and unimpressive, the less my personality showed. It is an awful cycle to be stuck in, but I never saw it until I had finally stepped out and could look at it objectively.
I believe this has happened at some time, on some level, with all women*. We care, we mother, we sacrifice. These are beautiful qualities and should be embraced as such, but there needs to be care taken by both sexes to make sure these traits don’t repress. And it is for the good of both partners.
Jada’s words on the matter:
The war on men through the degradation of woman.
How is man to recognize his full self, his full power through the eyes of an incomplete woman? The woman who has been stripped of Goddess recognition and diminished to a big ass and full breast for physical comfort only. The woman who has been silenced so she may forget her spiritual essence because her words stir too much thought outside of the pleasure space. The woman who has been diminished to covering all that rots inside of her with weaves and red bottom shoes.
I am sure the men, who restructured our societies from cultures that honoured woman, had no idea of the outcome. They had no idea that eventually, even men would render themselves empty and longing for meaning, depth and connection. There is a deep sadness when I witness a man that can’t recognize the emptiness he feels when he objectifies himself as a bank and truly believes he can buy love with things and status. It is painful to witness the betrayal when a woman takes him up on that offer. He doesn’t recognize that the creation of a half woman has contributed to his repressed anger and frustration of feeling he is not enough. He then may love no woman or keep many half women as his prize. He doesn’t recognize that it’s his submersion in the imbalanced warrior culture, where violence is the means of getting respect and power, as the reason he can break the face of the woman who bore him four children.
When woman is lost, so is man. The truth is, woman is the window to a man’s heart and a man’s heart is the gateway to his soul.
Power and control will NEVER out weigh love.
May we all find our way.
* I must add post publication that several men had told me that it is incorrect to say that this happens only to women. Both partners can find themselves in similar situations and that it is just as hard to deal with no matter what gender. I only concentrated on women here as to relate it to myself and Jada’s post, but big hugs to the boys as well.